I am diving deep once again. To this place I don't want to visit, I don't want to remember, I don't want to feel this anymore under my skin, crawling, haunting my life and dreams. But I have to, to let you know how does it feel, what happened after the 2 most emotionally intense years of my whole life.
And here I am. Standing in the middle of nothing. An uneasy kind of silence which seems that I created, to avoid any thought, any feeling, any emotion. To remove her, to remove all of them. All of them. Everything. Since the day I was born here. All these f*cked up moments and memories.
You are walking miles at a time. Day or night. Headphones on. Thoughts off. Empty. Dead. Seems like that Dark Night of a Soul left a mark too... Jeez..
A dead man who is so grateful and happy for everything but at the same time, something is missing...
I can't lie to you. There is a certain kind of happiness in these relationships which is out of this world. And THAT bullshit is what causes the Stockholm syndrome and HoneyMoon effects and all these attachments which later on become a real PITA if you want to escape...
And not only. If you manage to see your "Twins" or "Narcs" true character and true meaning (which is there merely for the sake of a lesson and saving you from your self-destructive patterns of your thoughts and perception) these happy feelings and emotions seem impossible to be found again in another person. Simply because every expectation you had in love and every dream of yours is now demolished...
And the truth is I don't even feel the need or the desire to fall in love or give the way I did or to repeat anything related to "love" the way I used to.
All the previous energies seem to have been transmuted. All is left is a shadowy need for hugs left behind in the unconscious and comes out in cases my hormones and vitamins go imbalanced. There is nothing there to resemble the emotions and vibrations of Love as before. All seems empty and simply an interaction of thoughts, hormones, impulsions.
So yes. Life has become merely a game of adjusting elements within me or around me just to feel well and balanced and... protected. A game...
And you feel OK. You feel balanced and at ease most of the times. BUT something is missing.
That excitement. That eagerness. The need to dream...
You just live. Day in, Day out. Trying to be happy. But you don't dream. You don't hope or wait for Lovers or the One to come. There is not such a thing anymore. You simply don't care anymore. That magic you once sought in your Twin has vanished.
You fall in love, and you fall in love HARD with them.
There is a love so powerful which excuses all they do so we tend to overlook the red flags early in the relationship. So you are slowly guided to "divine annihilation" by your own vulnerabilities actually which the other uses as an advantage to intrude and feast upon your energies until you left completely empty. (It's true and don't sugarcoat it this please anymore. Especially in the comments.)
But it's OK. It's OK to feel nothing instead of abandoned, fooled, raped deep down to the core of your existence. It's OK to be alone! Because a real Twin Flame is never alone. It has BOTH flames within... A True Twin Flame is an Empath who faced the Darkness and allowed it to consume him.
And you walk down the street, headphones on, smiling under your hoodie, knowing that the Shadows didn't win this time. They never did. They might have had a bit from our hearts but we will come back again.
Again. Stronger, Different.
More determined. To conquer our selves.
To become Master Creators.
I am Alex and this is my message to you. I am a genuine 33, moving ahead along with all of you.
by Alex "Angel" Ftoulis